The blame game

We haven't fought for a couple of days.  After our last blowout (where I released my inner ghetto and smacked him up while I held our baby) I decided I needed to get my shit together.  No matter how much I'm hurting it's not okay for me to hit him.  And it's certainly not okay to show our child such hatred.

But I can't stop thinking about the reason I saw red and lunged at him.  He called me selfish.  I was the selfish one.  He said if anyone was to blame for our problems it was me.  Me for not giving him what he needed.  Me for not allowing him to see the people he needs to in order to be more satisfied and fulfilled.

All.My.Fault.

I don't believe that.  But it still hurts.  I wonder why he's with me at all.  I wonder why I'm not enough.  I understand his sexual desires but I don't understand the emotional ones.  I don't understand how he can say he loves me and her at the same time, just in different ways.  I don't understand how his love for her doesn't take away from his love and commitment for me.

He refuses to see that even though he might feel perfectly fine with the situation, it alters the way I operate in our relationship.  I don't understand my role anymore.  I'm distant because I don't know how to be his partner.  I shut down because even though I'm trying to embrace this new life for the sake of our son, it's eating away at me.  This other woman that he "loves" - I hate her.  During our brief correspondence I saw nothing but selfishness and spite and conceit.  I wish he could see in her what I do.

I hate her more than I hate him.  I don't care what I did wrong.  I don't care how many times I fell down as a partner.  I was trying to be the best I knew how to be for R.  But how could I compete with a woman who has no stakes in the game?  There were zero consequences to her actions.  She could tell him whatever she wanted.  Meanwhile I'm planted in the real world.  A world where I have a child and a partner and problems to try to work through.  I've never had the luxury that she does.  So she's on a pedestal and I'm the selfish one for opposing it.

I question myself everyday about whether allowing him to continue with this lifestyle is right for me and our son.  But what really gets me is that I feel like she has won.  I hate that more than anything.  She wins and once again it's my fault.

He never has been able to answer me when I ask "why her?"  He's never been able to explain why she's so hard to give up.  He has no problem detailing all my shortcomings though.  And really, maybe that's the answer I don't want to see.  That he just doesn't really love me.