Better off dead

I hardly know where to start.  There's so much back story with my relationship with R that it would take thousands and thousands of words to get you up to speed.  I'll give you the short version.  We met online in 2009.  Neither was looking for a relationship.  I'd just got out of a bad one and he was still married, but going through a divorce.  We were leaning on each other as friends and it developed into more.

I knew from the beginning he had certain sexual compulsions, and I was okay with it.  Being a freak in bed is not a negative in my book.  But it was more than that, and I didn't know it.  When I found out he was having indiscriminate sex with other women (and men) I lost it.  I tried to end it.  But we were drawn back to each other.  We worked through things, moved in to together and eventually had a beautiful baby boy.

Just after our son was born we moved to a new state for a better job opportunity and it was not long after that I learned he was carrying on a relationship with a woman that was more than just physical.  He was in love with her and wanted the freedom to see her and be a family with me and our son.  He wanted a polyamorous relationship.

That revelation left me a devastated wreck.  Why wasn't I good enough?  How could I fix this?  What would this do to our child?  I gave him a choice.  End things with the other woman and get counseling with me or I would leave our relationship.  He agreed.

Well, it didn't end.  I found a notebook that he was using as a sort of journal where he detailed their continued correspondence.  In the last entry he wrote how he sometimes wishes I'd just die so could take our son and be with her.

I don't think he really wants me dead.  I'm not fearful for my life.  But I make him unhappy.  I'm not what he wants and I'm not sure how we ever made it this far in our relationship.

Once again I was prepared to leave.  But then I looked into my son's sweet face and wondered how I was going to break up our family.  I realized that unless R left me, I wouldn't leave him.  So I told him he was free to see and have sex with anyone he wanted.  I wouldn't stop him and I would stay here as his partner and the mother of his son.

It has been a decision wrought with doubt and pain.  I've had moments where I wonder if this life really will kill me.  But I'm soldiering on.  I'm trying to make it work.  I'm trying to make peace with my decision.  This is my story.