Making him happy

It's been a long time since I've seen R as happy as he was yesterday.  After a rough morning I officially told him I was done fighting his infidelity.  He was free to see who he wanted and I would go along with it.  I don't intend to break up our family.  Now, I don't think some sort of martyr.  I don't know what I am, really. I do know that I'm hurt and confused and I'm living with a man that I both love and hate at the same time.

He doesn't seem to get it.  Maybe he will see later what a big deal this is?  Right now he's just high on the freedom of being able to do what he wants without consequence.  He doesn't have to hide anything.  He's not going to miss his child's life.  He still gets me.  Or what's left of me right now.  

And that's the real problem, I think.  I'm not whole and he doesn't see it.  He was so sweet and lovey yesterday.  There were so many hugs and kisses.  He was extra helpful with the baby and around the house. He laughed and was jovial in a way I haven't seen in months.  Meanwhile I'm struggling just to keep it together.  I'm fighting the urge to pull back when he hugs me.  I keep my mouth shut when what I really want to do is scream at him and ask why he's only happy when he gets exactly what he wants.  

Why are you so selfish?  

I'm questioning my decision every second.  I'm trying to believe that this hurt I feel now is just the mourning of a life I'll never get and that I will find a way to settle into this new life.  I have no way to know if that's true right now.  I just hope I have enough sense to walk away if I continue to hurt like this.  I hope he realizes that while I'm not a martyr, I'm making a huge sacrifice for him and our family.  

I don't think he recognizes it at all.  Or he doesn't recognize it in the right way.  Him hugging me like everything is normal isn't going to make everything okay again.  Washing a few dishes isn't going to erase my pain.  

If I'm being honest, I'm mad that he's happy.  I think he should feel terrible that he put me in this position in the first place.  Instead he seems totally at ease while I'm dying on the inside.  I wish he were miserable.  I wish he was the one crying in the bathroom with the faucet running.  I wish he was the one who's avoiding calls because he's afraid he won't be able to talk to family or friends without losing it.  

Can I do this?  Do I even want to?  I don't know.  I'm not giving up after one rough day.  But I want to.